Nineteen Hundred and Seventy Two
As I hit the equal sign on my calculator, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I knew the number would be high, but perhaps I didn’t prepare myself like I should have.
$1972.24
The number flashed along the screen, staring back at me like a scorned lover. I looked over my scribbled numbers and thought perhaps I’d inputted a wrong number or hit the equal sign one too many times. So I recalculated my notes.
$1972.24
It appeared on my screen again.
$1972.24
and again. and again. Until I finally realized the calculator wasn’t lying to me, I was just refusing to acknowledge all the damage I had done. Just $30 away from $2000, this number is scary. But what is scarier is the fact that this only reflects my debit purchases from 2011, not cash or purchases made by someone else. Who knows what the real number actually is? But, I don’t want to dwell on the hypotheticals, this number is still very real.
So what am I talking about?
This is the amount of money I spent in 2011 on alcohol. Frightening, huh? Let me tell you, if you really want to scare yourself in sobriety, calculate this number. You’ll never want to swipe that card at a bar again. Haha.
So why did I do this?
Well, I just celebrated my 90 days of booze free life, crazy right? At least to me it is. But crazy in that refreshing holy fuck I am so proud of myself kind of way. And I felt it was time to take a look back on my drunken life. Following the calculations, I began going through my archives and came across this post, “Giving up Alcohol…Well, Sort of”. I wrote it almost exactly a month before giving up alcohol.
In this post, I mention my great admiration for having a drink in my hand:
I love to drink. Yeah, I said it. I love pretty pink cocktails, mojitos by the beach, mimosas on Sundays at brunch, and wine anytime anywhere. Before I get ready to go out, I have some drinks. At work meetings we have drinks. And just about everytime I go out to eat, I have a drink.
As the post continues, I go on to say this:
Now with this all being said, I’ll be honest, I am not going to 100% give up drinking. This is just not a reality for me. Maybe for others it is, but I just know that isn’t a realistic goal for my lifestyle.
At the time I didn’t find these words troubling, but as I read them over and over, I feel quite differently — understandably so. Perhaps it’s because I’m taking a step back and seeing myself with a more clear outlook. Although it’s not the easiest thing to do, I recognize and can openly admit that I love alcohol too much. And I say love, because I still do love it. Some nights it’s a struggle to not grab a cocktail along with everyone else. And other days, it’s easy as pie. Luckily, the rough days are few and far between, and I owe a lot of that to some very amazing people in my life, some near and some far. But whether it’s been just supportive words, book recommendations, or fancy soda details, it’s all been so wonderful, and I can’t thank these people enough.
While I sit here and type this, I can truly say that I’ve never felt better in my entire life and there hasn’t been one negative outcome from this life change. And as I continue on this journey, I’ll be sharing more and more with you guys.
So now I keep this tally sheet in my wallet now as a I reminder to stay on this path of living a sober life.
