this vintage school bus that is in my neighborhood.

I’ll write more about this little February project tomorrow when I have more time to type.

I’ve been debating whether or not to write this post.

I’ve written it, I’ve deleted it. Over and over again.

I try not to be a negative person, or bring negative energy into my life. I try to not express these type of feelings on my blog either, but then again, life is not always so whimsical and magical. And every now and then, I think it’s alright to uncover those ugly raw truths, because I am a human. I’m not just a face on a computer screen.

Some of you may or may not know that in 2011, I was in a relationship for almost an entire year. (obviously that relationship is over now) I say “may not know” because I didn’t really share much about this relationship on my blog. (Something I noticed as I went back into my archives last month) Actually, in general I didn’t share much about my life or really anything on my blog in 2011. And this is something that makes me angry. Actually, there is a lot that I am angry about, and today I going to let go of all this anger. Having all this anger is unhealthy, and I can’t truly lead a happy, fulfilling life carrying this weight on my shoulders.

And as I write this list, I want everyone to realize that I am not angry at anyone but myself. This isn’t an attack on the person, because they didn’t do anything directly. I gave them this control that they are not even aware of. This is on my shoulders.

I am angry at myself for….

giving someone so much unspoken control
letting my blog fall to the wayside
remaining in an unhappy relationship for so long
not standing up for myself more often
not following through with my goals
letting my body go after I spent two years working off unwanted weight gain
turning to alcohol to cope with sadness and anger
settling for less than I deserve
feeling bad about who I am
using the “L word” so freely and without care
letting myself feel badly about where I come from
taking on so much negative energy that didn’t belong to me
wasting a year of my life
being so resentful and regretful
slacking off on my school work
shopping my depression away
giving up the idea of motherhood
being a gossip
not smiling as much
not spending as much time with my family as I wanted to
convincing myself that I am bad at relationships
being dishonest with myself
losing sight of my individuality and identity

But most of all, I am angry at myself for not being the best version of myself for a year.

This anger stops now.

Pictured above are three new items that I recently bought, and have zero plans of ever taking off.

Exhibit A: My knock off Spirit Hood from Target. So silly and tacky, but so necessary.
Exhibit B: A high low over-sized sweater from F21. I know that store is the devil, but that $20 sweater was just the piece of clothing that I was on the hunt for. It’s been two days, and I haven’t taken it off yet.
Exhibit C: A pair of Sam Edelman “Adena” flats in satin black. I’ve been on the hunt for these for quite some time now, and guess what? I got them on sale for 60% off.

Ok, enough shopping brags. Onto more interesting things.

As much as I really wanted to get back on my regular blogging schedule at the start of the New Year, it just didn’t happen. And that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I was just too busy living IRL, and I wouldn’t change a thing. So far, 2012 has been absolutely magical, it almost makes 2011 seem like a non-existent blur. Again, not really a bad thing. I try not to have many regrets, but there is a piece of me that regrets some decisions I made in 2011 and how I lead my life. Regardless, I’m not here to live in the past, I live for now and look forward to the future. And I couldn’t be more excited about doing so.

Here’s a few pieces that I wrote this month for my job at the New Times:
- My music feature on my friend and rapper Jacques Bruna aka Bleubird
- My review of The Kills concert on Saturday night in Fort Lauderdale

And a quick recap of January, let’s see. . .

Bubble tea, food trucks, concerts, vegetarian food, lots and lots of writing, school, sleepless nights, so much reading, fancy grilled cheese, ice cream flavor tasting, my first big music feature, cold weather, a cute tattooed boy, going to the vintage motorcycle show, the Swap Shop, hitting 90 days of booze free life, shoes, shoes, shoes, cheesecake, blue hair, BBQs, so many gingerbread lattes, brunch, fancy soda, discovering pizza goldfish, best friends, sister dates, bringing back bell bottoms (that was a tongue twister, huh? haha), listening to new music, and being completely happy.

And in photos. . .

$1972.24

The number flashed along the screen, staring back at me like a scorned lover. I looked over my scribbled numbers and thought perhaps I’d inputted a wrong number or hit the equal sign one too many times. So I recalculated my notes.

$1972.24

It appeared on my screen again.

$1972.24

and again. and again. Until I finally realized the calculator wasn’t lying to me, I was just refusing to acknowledge all the damage I had done. Just $30 away from $2000, this number is scary. But what is scarier is the fact that this only reflects my debit purchases from 2011, not cash or purchases made by someone else. Who knows what the real number actually is? But, I don’t want to dwell on the hypotheticals, this number is still very real.

So what am I talking about?

This is the amount of money I spent in 2011 on alcohol. Frightening, huh? Let me tell you, if you really want to scare yourself in sobriety, calculate this number. You’ll never want to swipe that card at a bar again. Haha.

So why did I do this?

Well, I just celebrated my 90 days of booze free life, crazy right? At least to me it is. But crazy in that refreshing holy fuck I am so proud of myself kind of way. And I felt it was time to take a look back on my drunken life. Following the calculations, I began going through my archives and came across this post, “Giving up Alcohol…Well, Sort of”. I wrote it almost exactly a month before giving up alcohol.

In this post, I mention my great admiration for having a drink in my hand:

I love to drink. Yeah, I said it. I love pretty pink cocktails, mojitos by the beach, mimosas on Sundays at brunch, and wine anytime anywhere.  Before I get ready to go out, I have some drinks. At work meetings we have drinks. And just about everytime I go out to eat, I have a drink.

As the post continues, I go on to say this:

Now with this all being said, I’ll be honest, I am not going to 100% give up drinking. This is just not a reality for me. Maybe for others it is, but I just know that isn’t a realistic goal for my lifestyle.

At the time I didn’t find these words troubling, but as I read them over and over, I feel quite differently — understandably so. Perhaps it’s because I’m taking a step back and seeing myself with a more clear outlook. Although it’s not the easiest thing to do, I recognize and can openly admit that I love alcohol too much. And I say love, because I still do love it. Some nights it’s a struggle to not grab a cocktail along with everyone else. And other days, it’s easy as pie. Luckily, the rough days are few and far between, and I owe a lot of that to some very amazing people in my life, some near and some far. But whether it’s been just supportive words, book recommendations, or fancy soda details, it’s all been so wonderful, and I can’t thank these people enough.

While I sit here and type this, I can truly say that I’ve never felt better in my entire life and there hasn’t been one negative outcome from this life change.  And as I continue on this journey, I’ll be sharing more and more with you guys.

So now I keep this tally sheet in my wallet now as a I reminder to stay on this path of living a sober life.

As I mentioned in my first “A Life in Lists” post, I decided I wanted to try all the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavors in 2012. A quite ridiculous goal, but a fun one nonetheless. There really isn’t any method to my madness of flavor picking, I kinda just went for the first one that looked good. (But really, don’t they all look good?)

Well, this week I’ve begun the ice cream adventure, and I started out with Half Baked. And folks, I’m sorry to say that I was a bit disappointed. Cue: Gasp. I know, right? How could I not love something that has my favorite condiment, cookie dough packed inside of it?

Well, the story goes a little something like this. The container says, chocolate & vanilla ice cream, but truth be told it’s more chocolate ice cream with a hint of vanilla. And right off the bat, this annoys me quite a bit. While I don’t mind chocolate ice cream from time to time, I’m more of a vanilla girl. So, you can imagine my disappointment when I opened the carton and all I saw was chocolate ice cream all up in it. At first I thought there was a layer of vanilla just waiting for me underneath, but nope, just more chocolate. And once the ice cream melted slightly, it was basically like eating plain ol’ chocolate ice cream. The brownie bits were tasty, but the consistency was too chewy for my liking.

Sadly, for my first round of flavor tasting, I wasn’t sold on this one. Off with your head Half Baked!

What’s your favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry’s? What should I try next?

P.S. – Fingers crossed I don’t gain a hundred million pounds after trying all these flavors, hahaha.

Continuing on with my “A Life in Lists” project, here is the next one…10 recipes for non-alcoholic cocktails. I love a good ol’ fashioned Shirley Temple, but I do get bored of it. Plus, I’d really like to have a fabulous sober girl’s bar in my house for when I do throw a party. I’m hoping to get around to trying all these too, and reviewing them on the blog. That’ll be a fun little project.

1.  Little Pink Pearl – I’m not going to lie this name sounds a bit dirty
2. Green Apple Sparkler
3. Hibiscus Punch
4. Winter Warmer
5. Faux Kir – This sounds luxurious. I can’t wait to try!
6. Baby Bellini – simple, yet tasty
7. Down East Delight
8. Ginger Lime Fizz
9. Pink Grapefruit “Margaritas” – I’m looking forward to sipping on these with vegan tacos!
10. Non-Alcoholic Raspberry Mojito – OH MY GOODNESS!! YAY!

I mustn’t forget to mention that I did invent my own version of a sober girl’s mimosa….drum roll please…..

Ok, it’s not that exciting or innovative. It’s just sprite and orange juice. Still get the bubbly feeling of champagne without the booze. And it’s a lovely compliment to a Sunday brunch while everyone is downing those mimosas I miss oh so much. Hahah.

My infatuation with the Rolling Stones started at a pretty young age, my dad is a pretty big fan and passed that knowledge onto me. Whether it’s for the music or the style, the Rolling Stones have inspired my life in so many ways, and now I couldn’t imagine my life without them. (Like they’re family or something…well aren’t they?) It’s pretty surprising that I don’t have a Rolling Stones tattoo yet, I’ll be adding that to my list.

I’m obsessed with the photographs of the Stones during the Exile years at Villa Nellcôte. I’d really like to get some framed photos for my wall. . . someday.

Well folks, I’m happy to report that it’s just about to turn 9am, and I’m already sitting down at my computer to get my blogging work done. But, I’m not just sitting here in my PJs having just rolled out of my hella comfy and cozy bed. I’ve already worked out, dropped off my dry cleaning, taken Biscuitdog for a walk, and picked up my morning dosage of gingerbread latte from Starbucks. Can you believe it? Just typing all that out seemed a bit exhausting, but in that good way of course.

So, now I’m sitting here in my sweater boots ready to get my blog on. . .

I’ve never been that person who just hops out of bed ready to tackle the day. Honestly, those people scare me. (No offense to you folks. Although you kind of offend me with your wide eyed cheery morning ways.) But, I’m quickly recognizing that while I might not need to fly out of bed like a bat out of hell, I should get my morning routine down to a science in order to increase productivity.

Have you hit the next button on Google Reader yet? I probably would have. If not, well high five for you.

I’m not writing this as some sort of motivational thingamagig, I’m just writing to write. Cause well, isn’t that what us bloggers are supposed to do? It’s not all pretty photos and outfit posts over here in Betseyland. Sorry, ya’ll.

I digress.

So here I am, two weeks into 2012 and trying to get my routine on. I’ve attempted blogging in the afternoon, that just doesn’t work. Mostly because at that point I’m already involved in a million things and my brain is on the train to ADD hell. I’ve attempted working last at night — biphasic style and all — but it’s just not for me. I find that it’s suuuuuuper easy to get distracted and bored within minutes. Usually resulting in putting on some reruns and passing out. So, now I’m going to give this morning thing a go. It seems like a lot of people do it, so maybe I should as well.

Some of you are probably like, why is this bitch having so many issues with a routine? Well, to be honest, I don’t live a normal lifestyle. I don’t have a 9-5 job,  and this makes regular daily scheduling a bit difficult.  I know it shouldn’t be thaaaat hard, but what can I say? I just struggle with routines. Gimme a break and/or get over it. But, this time around. . . I’m going to really try. Cause whatever the hell I’m doing just isn’t working.

What is your morning routine like? Do you have one?

PS – I now understand UGGs. But only in the privacy of your own home, of course. But, let’s just say, I’ve been lusting after some fur lined boots to wear while sitting around in my non-heated apartment when I’m blogging and writing. Also, not gonna lie. I want a comfy sweatsuit. Ya know, like a Juicy or Victoria Secret one. All I’m saying is, I get it. And I’m not ashamed to hop on the cozy working at home train. Cause really, who the hell blogs in “Litas” with their makeup done and a pretty dress? Not this bitch.

I love making lists. Seriously. I will make lists of nonsense until my fingers bleed, I don’t know why. I’ve got scribbled notes all over the place of random lists of books, movies, things to do, etc etc. So, as a part of my weekly blogging, I’ll be sharing them.

Inspiration for a little bit of list making:

Hula Seventy is the ultimate list maker.
Liz’s “Adventure Guide” is absolutely amazing & such a fun idea.
Viv has a hella great list of 52 things for her 2012.
Listography is such a lovely site and app. I update mine on my phone all the time.
“32 New Things” by Yes and Yes is  a great source of ideas.

My first list. . .

52 [Fun] Things I’d Like To Do/Learn/Try in 2012

1. Spend a weekend in a fancy hotel for no reason
2. Try every single flavor of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream
3. Go to Disney World (Although I live in FL, I haven’t been back in over a decade)
4. Re-connect with my girlfriends from high school
5. Invent the perfect virgin cocktail
6. Acquire a pen pal (or a few)
7. Run a marathon
8. Celebrate World Nutella Day
9. Visit the Coral Castle
10. Volunteer at an animal shelter
11. Buy a pair of Louboutins for my one year soberversary
12. Read the entire collection of Jane Austen books
13. Learn French
14. Get a new passport stamp
15. Do a photoshoot in Miami’s Executive Fantasy Hotel
16. Have a Twilight movie marathon before watching Breaking Dawn: Part II
17. Re-pierce my nostril
18. Take a trip to New York City
19. Attend a writers workshop
20. Tackle the IMDB “250 Top List”
21. Finish my right sleeve
22. Go to the drive-in movies in a convertible
23. Watch every single Alfred Hitchcock movie
24. Read the Harry Potter series
25. Ride my bicycle to work
26. Make a pizza from scratch (including sauce)
27. Practice yoga on a regular basis
28. Review books
29. Keep a journal (photograph and written)
30. Share a Hollywood style kiss  (Ala Carrie & Berger after a fight in SATC)
31. Find the perfect eyeliner
32. Design and sew a dress
33. Take a pole dancing fitness class
34. Go to a laser light show at the planetarium
35. Get acupuncture
36. Visit Cassadaga
37.  Take a ghost tour in St. Augustine
38. Go on a road trip out of state
39. Experience the Marfa Mystery Lights
40. Attend a music festival
41. Knit a scarf
42. Get an aura cleansing
43. Play in the snow
44. Learn tarot cards
45. Buy a pair of roller skates
46. Whiten my teeth (haha, so random, I know)
47. Acquire an outside pet cat
48. Take part in a public reading
49. Meet with a psychic
50. Bake dog treats for Biscuit
51. Buy a record player
52. Master the art of using chopsticks

Phew…that was quite the list making task. But, I’m looking forward to crossing these things off and making more fun lists throughout the year.

[Source]

It’s hard to believe that in just under a week we’ll be on our way to welcoming in the New Year of 2012. I honestly look back on 2011 and it feels like one giant blur — not sure if that is a good or bad thing just yet. Regardless, it has been quite a whirlwind of a year for me, and I openly admit that I’m looking forward to closing this chapter of my life. In just the last week and a half, I’ve experienced great upheaval and changes in my life that have really tested my mental stability and sobriety. Needless to say, despite an overwhelming feeling of defeat and a bit of heartache, I’m happy to say I came out of it with a clear mind and without a drink. And in the end, I know my decisions are for the best and that things can only get better from here on out.

Over the course of the next few days, I’m going to completely purge my apartment, closet, and workspace once and for all. It’s been a task that has been put off for way too long, and I refuse to go into the New Year with a cluttered home and mind. My apartment is basically an overwhelming space for me, and I can’t seem to get settled properly while I’m being suffocated by my things. It’s not very relaxing at all. But, I’m confident that once I get everything in order, I will be able to move my year into a more positive and productive light. (Read: ‘Minimalism: How to Declutter Your Home & Your Soul’)

Some things I’d like to work on in 2012…

Live a life fueled by positivity. It’s really easy to say you’re a positive person, but at the end of the day when we rest our heads down on the pillow, is it the truth? I could probably go on for an entire post about this, but I won’t. For now, I’m just going to say I want to live every day in the most positive way possible. I won’t let myself be surrounded by negative thinking people or have my brain clouded with negative thoughts. It’s exhausting and mentally taxing. I’ve come to realize that 99% of the time, someone’s negative shit is just not about me, and there is no reason for me to take it on myself. No complaints, no gossip, no focusing on the bad.

Continue on living a sober life. It’s been a process, that’s for sure. But, I plan on continuing with it because it has done nothing but wonderful things for my life.

To stop obsessively checking Facebook and Twitter. The few days that I had no phone were quite refreshing. I love Twitter, but to be honest I’m so completely over Facebook. If I didn’t need it for work, I’d probably delete it. Lately, I even find myself just scrolling to the top of the Twitter app and not going through old tweets like I used to. It’s quite freeing.

Purchase an organizer. Throughout 2011, I bounced between a Filofax and a Moleskine notebook. Needless to say, it just left me even more un-organized than before. I need to pick up a legit planner and call it a day. I really adore the Erin Condren planners, but it’s not really in my budget at the moment. We’ll see.

Stop bullshitting and get into shape. 30 years old is just around the corner from me and I need to quit being so damn unhealthy. Since giving up alcohol, I’ve lost a lot of the difficult weight I’d been wanting to get rid of, now it’s time to get fit. It shouldn’t be that difficult considering I have a huge stack of Jillian Michaels DVDs staring at me in the face every time I plop my lazy ass onto the couch. Hahaha.

Semi-related to the paragraph above, I would like to Learn to cook. I mean don’t get the wrong idea, I’m not some fire hazard and hot mess in the kitchen, but a girl can only eat so many uncreative meals before going insane. I really want to become a better vegetarian and incorporate this into the blog as well.

Stop shopping so fucking much. (Yes, I shop so much that it warranted a curse word in there) While I’ve been going through my closets and drawers, I’ve noticed how much shit I really have. I don’t even have room for it. Then I’ll go to pick up my dry cleaning orders and have even more items piling up on my bed.  And the amount of shoes that I have is offensive.  I randomly find shoes that I haven’t worn in months because I forget about them. The other day, I just realized I owned a pair of those Jessica Simpson “Dany” heels. It’s really out of control. I’ve considered starting a “Shop My Closet” site, but that is just more work than I care to get into right now, I rather just donate it all to a local charity. They need the clothing and shoes more than we do anyway.

Kick my blogging ass into gear. I love writing, I love blogging, so why the fuck have I slacked so much on it this year? I can’t pinpoint one thing or another for the reasoning behind this. Perhaps I was too busy living life off the internet, or I just didn’t feel inspired by surrounding parties. I’m not sure. But, I do know that this blog is very important to me, and I want to make it so much better than it has ever been. I have so many ideas and plans that are just waiting to be executed.

Starting the day with writing. My co-worker mentioned the author Julia Cameron to me, and a few of her tips for writing. One of them was to start the day by writing 5 pages of absolute bullshit just to get the creative juices flowing. This is definitely something I want to try. I’m also going to pick up a few of her books from the library.

Giving up alcohol was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do, and I’ve managed to beat it. So there shouldn’t be any reason that I can’t accomplish these things, right?

A few links I feel compliment this post…

‘Why I Won’t Stop Blogging’ and ‘Becoming a Better Human, Blogging’

‘How to Stop Procrastinating About Procrastinating’

‘Slay Your Time Vampires’ Part I and Part II

‘Narrowing the Priorities’

‘Life Only Sucks if You Do (Bring the Radness)’

‘30 Challenges for 30 Days of Growth’

‘Destroy What Destroys You’

‘The Secret Rule of Changing Anything’

‘Picking One Little Word to Guide Your Year’

‘50 Radical New Year’s Resolution…That You Can Do All Year’

If you’ve got any links that pertain to these topics and you think I should check out, please share!

I think I’m going to re-create this and hang it above my bed.